- It is speculated in the bible (Revelations 11:3) that the second coming of Christ will take the form of a Puffin.
- Puffins cannot speak French.
- The first Puffin to ever have liposuction had it in a clinic in Miami in 1999.
- Puffin’s squawks do not echo.
- Puffins have certain telekinetic abilities which enables them to move cats. Unfortunately this ability has never been phyiscally recorded, because cats are never around puffins for very long.
- A puffin was the first creature to note the integral of ln|x| .
- Puffins can crack walnuts with their buttocks.
- JK Rowling stole the idea of Harry Potter from a puffin.
- Puffins do not like Marmite. They don’t mind gone-off milk though.
- Puffins have never needed psychologists because of an innate higher state of consciousness.
- It was a Jewish puffin who first invented rhinoplasty.
- Osama Bin Laden was never found because he was in fact devoured by puffins in the height of the Iraqi war.
- Puffins are notoriously bad at playing scrabble.
- Puffins do not actually have wings, but instead have two of a rare species of flat black worms hanging from their shoulders. They cannot remove them because of the extent to which their necks bend.
- An infinite amount of puffins at an infinite amount of typewriters would never be able to produce the complete works of Shakespeare because they are not as clever as monkeys. They might be able to pull off Oscar Wilde though.
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What are puffins?
Puffins are the best thing since sliced bread.
Can puffins juggle?
Yes but only with balls, clubs tend not to come in appropriate sizes.
Is it true that puffins like marshmallows?
No. They in fact like fish.
Why do puffins have colourful beaks?
To fend off demons.
How many legs do puffins have?
Three, if you count wings as legs.
What family does the puffin species belong to?
The Jones family, from number 33.
When will a puffin next come to my town?
Probably not ‘til the next full tour, which will start when their next album is released, which they are currently mixing.
Can I have a puffin autograph?
No, they cannot hold pens because they have no opposable thumbs.
What religion are puffins?
They are Baptists, in general.
Could a puffin kill a human being?
Only if it got really very cross.
What happens if you lick the sole of a puffin’s foot?
Your tongue swells up and turns orange.
What happens when a puffin sneezes?
A fairy dies.
Who is the most famous person to have owned a puffin?
Michael Jackson once kept a puffin that had become trapped in the workings of one of the rides at his amusement park.
What is the most widely known use of puffins?
Their urine is actually triply distilled to make Coca Cola.
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That’s right, Bsc. Not many people know this about me, but I am a man of science. I formally studied Puffins for three years at Cambridge. Obviously now that I AM AN ARTIST I don’t get much of a chance to immerse myself in the interesting and constantly developing world of Alcidology, so I thought I would start this page as a means to share some of my not inconsiderable wealth of knowledge on the subject. I hope you learn something.
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